Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
