I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
