I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
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Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
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When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize