dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
