did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
