I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
