if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
