you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
