Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
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The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
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We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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