I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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