Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize