she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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