I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
