Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra