i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
