By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night