go do what you do best...puke behind churches
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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