someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
