i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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