someone threw a dead crab at me
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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