I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
