he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
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Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
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I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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