Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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