That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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