About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
