apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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