they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
