Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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