they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
