the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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