Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
