You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
