my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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