I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
