You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
