Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
