She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
