You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
