Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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