All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
