just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
