I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
