shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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