A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I could make wine with my vomit
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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