So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
