Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
