I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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