Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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