Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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