i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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