He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
