Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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