Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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