Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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