Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
