Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
